Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Trained Responsibility

One thing I have definitely had to learn over these past 5 months is RESPONSIBILITY. I know by having children, it is natural (for most parents) to develop this habit. However, I never thought I would have to make this my expertise. I have learned to use make myself use planners, calendars, alarms, etc. After I had Kannon, and eventually was able to walk again, one of the first things I did was find the hospital gift shop. I searched for the cutest journal and I bought it. If I remember right, it was about $20 or so...and it was right then that I learned responsibility wasn't cheap either. I used that journal to write down any questions or concerns that I had to ask the nurse practitioner in the NICU. She must have thought I was crazy because I didn't have that journal 15 minutes and I already had about 50 things written down. But she didn't think I was crazy. She actually thought the exact opposite. She loved it and encouraged me to keep writing everything down. By the way that nurse's name is embedded into my memory FOREVER. She was fantastic. She sat down with me and listened to everything I had written. She even took notes! The next day she came to Kannon's room and had all my questions answered, information printed off, medical records copied, upcoming dr's appointments scheduled, and anything else you could imagine. She was AMAZING at her job. Anyway, needless to say that after twelve doctors/therapists later I would be at a loss for words if it weren't for that $20 journal. Which brings me to my update on Kannon (this will be a LONG post, so feel free to take an intermission)...let's start from the beginning. Last week Kannon's pediatrician told my husband and I to start collecting diapers so she could run various stool tests to be sure nothing was going on that we were unaware of (since he was having blood in his diapers). So the Dr. told us to collect every poopy diaper from Friday all the way through the weekend, and to drop them off at the peds office on Monday. So after school I drove up there to drop them off. On tuesday afternoon, I received a phone call from the peds nurse saying that the diapers weren't good, and that they couldn't get enough stool to fill the specimens and do the tests. So she asked if I could come up there and she would give me the specimen cups (there are 8) and we would have fill them ourselves then bring them back to the office. So Zach, Kannon, and I all drive up there on Tuesday to pick up the cups and to get instructions on what to do with each one. While we are there, we think to ask the peds nurse a few questions that we had about Kannon. The first one I brought up was that we noticed that the left side of Kannon's chest was significantly higher than his right side & that the right side of his back was more prominent than the left. So I asked if that could possibly be scoliosis occurring (scoliosis is commonly seen in kids who have agenisis of the corpus callosum). As soon as I said that the nurse looked at me and said "Don't you have a orthopedic doctor's appointment coming up soon? I know Dr. Maschino wanted me to contact.....wait a second....oh no, Dr. Maschino told me to contact the orthopedic doctor. I am so sorry I forgot to do that. I am going to get fired...." I am not sure if she was kidding when she said she was going to get fired, but I told her that it was okay. They have been so good to Kannon, and I can see where things can get confusing at times. Anyway, she listened to our other concerns and she decided to go ahead and fit Kannon on the schedule for the day so someone could take a look at him. We waited about 30 minutes, which wasn't a bad wait at all for a last minute book in at the peds office! A nurse practitioner took a look at him and noticed the chest and back too. She said it is possible scoliosis/rotation of the spine. She also mentioned to get started on seeing an orthopedic Dr (again) and that there is a chance Kannon will have to have a body/back brace sort of thing to help correct the curve and rotation. Anyway, back to the specimen cups. We got them on Tuesday and here it is Thursday night and we still have yet to completely fill one. Zach and I have to trade off who gets that job. It is a messy and smelly one...and every time it about knocks Zach to the floor because he forgets to breathe through his mouth. It cracks me up...I guess once you are in the hospital for so long, and smell all sorts of gross things, then it becomes second nature to always breathe through your mouth.

So today was even more eventful than all that I mentioned above. Let me first start of by saying that when we found out that Kannon had his genetic disorder on July 26th, the doctor also mentioned a heart defect. I was confused and asked him what he was talking about (because this was the first I had heard about it). He said that he looked at Kannon's records from the day he was born and was curious to know if we got a follow up cardiology appointment for his PFO(patent foramen ovale) and possible persistent left SVC (superior vena cava). I told him that it was the first time anyone has mentioned it. He was surprised and so was I. Anyway, we have the first cardiologist appointment next week. SO today I began sorting through all of Kannon's hospital stuff, shot records, social security card, birth certificate, medical records, etc. just trying to keep his things all organized. It dawned on me that I had his medical records from when he was born and had all of his results from the tests. I thought I had better look over them JUST to be sure nothing else had been overlooked by any of the doctors. Sure enough...I get to the Neurology notes and I see that it says Kannon needed to have a follow up MRI to rule out an arachnoid cyst. WHAT?! Immediately, I am on the phone calling the neurologist's office. Of course, I had to be on hold for 15 minutes, so that made my blood boil even more...once the receptionist picked up, I told her everything and she left a note for the doctor. Two hours pass, and so I call the pediatrician to inform her of what I found, and even she agreed that a follow up MRI should have been done to rule out any cysts. The pediatrician told me she was faxing that part of the report to the neurologist with the part in question underlined. By that time it was past 5pm and so I have yet to hear anything...I hate to leave you with the infamous "to be continued...." line, but even I don't know how the end of this post is going to turn out. We will see tomorrow. Until then, I will be saying my prayers! Oh yeah, Kannon is 5 months old now!! Yay for him!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

If you could only imagine.

This week has been absolute chaos. School started back up, so I have had to get used to being without Kannon for 8 hours. That might sound like it is not a big deal to some people, but I beg to differ. To be without someone who you know has depended on you for the last 4 and half months (and even before that if you count my pregnancy), is VERY tough. I wasn't even through half the day and I was already having my withdrawals. Besides that, my first day went great...all except for one thing. The only time I look forward to (my lunch) was ruined when my friend Lindsye and I were joined by a couple of the other radiology techs in the department. I don't mind meeting new people, conversing, getting to know them, etc. I actually really enjoy talking to people I have never met, getting their story, and trying to relate. It was what came after them joining us at the table that really frustrated me. Let's just say that the conversation at the lunch table didn't turn out the way I had expected it to go. Right off the back one of the tech's asked Lindsye and I...

Tech: "So what's yall's story? Do either of you have husbands or any kids?
Lindsye: "No husband, no kids, but I do have a boyfriend."
Tech: "Well that's good too. What about you?"
Me: "I have a both. My husband's name is Zach, and I have a 4 1/2 month old son, Kannon."
(And just like any mom would do...I pull out pictures to show him off...and what she said first caught me completely off guard.)
Tech: "Oh. Is he cross-eyed?"

If anyone knows me well enough, you probably already have an idea of what is crossing my mind. At first I was shocked and didn't know what to say...but then my motherly instinct got the best of me and what I was thinking wouldn't have been appropriate for me to say out loud. First of all, what adult says something like that? I understand people asking questions because they genuinely care and want to gain more understanding of the extent of Kannon's diagnosis. I honestly welcome questions and comments, and I am more than happy to offer any advice that I can. However, this was not the case here.

1) It was the VERY first thing she said. She could have at least led up to it a little bit.
2) Even if he is cross-eyed, don't point it out. He isn't your child. Thank goodness for that, because if she is concerned about little stuff like that, then she doesn't deserve to have a baby like Kannon.
3) What bothered me the most was that she sounded disappointed by it. A tone of pity filled her voice like he wasn't good enough. When in all actuality he is so much better than what she was imagining.

My biggest worry were the kids. They are cruel sometimes. They don't even realize that they are until they get older and wiser (and even then some still don't ever get it). The last thing I want is Kannon to come home upset because of kids picking on him...I NEVER expected that the first person to point out something would be an adult. Anyways, I continued the conversation like nothing had happened. Which I have decided it will be the very last time I let something like that slide, especially for those who should know better. I know there will be a lot of things said in the future, and some will probably even be said behind Kannon's back when he gets older. I really do dread the fact that I can't protect him from everything, but as for now I'm going to do what I can and let God handle the rest.

Update: Kannon has been doing great! He is eating and sleeping well! He weighs close to 15lbs now. He is still having seizures, and they seem to be getting a little stronger. Dr. said that it could be because we haven't reached the effective dose on his medication yet. So every week we are to increase his dose by .5 mL (without exceeding 6mL's) until they stop. His pediatrician got his appointment with the GI Dr. set up too. However, since that appointment isn't until November, she wants to get the ball rolling by beginning the tests that she can (stool sample, blood sample, etc.). She also got us set up with an Occupational Therapist to check out his swallowing. Kannon has difficulty eating sometimes. He usually ends up choking 2-4 times during a feeding. Sometimes he chokes throughout the day too, not just during feeding times. Besides that, he is doing awesome, and is a very happy baby boy! We are so blessed! I do have to brag a little bit though. We went to Langstons today, and of course Kannon stole the show. He was talking it up, and had all the ladies admiring just how precious he is. As all this was happening I felt sorry for that tech, and the fact that she couldn't look past the little things to experience how special Kannon and his story really is. Let's just say, today at Langstons made up for Monday's lunch. Those sweet ladies needed to teach that tech a valuable lesson.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

A New Discovery

I am so glad today is Sunday. When I first woke up I scared myself thinking that today was Monday, and I was late for clinic. I am in the Radiography Program and we start school back up tomorrow. I can't say that I'm not nervous. I took this summer of clinic off to spend that time with Kannon. Now I have mixed emotions about going back. I love the program and being there and all, but I'm torn between that and leaving my precious little boy for 8 hours. I fully understand how some moms just never make it back to work. Anyway, I am sooo excited to write on here today. First of all, let me just point out that when it comes to Kannon reaching another milestone it is BIG news. I am VERY happy to report that he has found his hands!!!!! He doesn't quite understand what to do with them yet. He looks at them like they are very suspicious, pauses to think really hard, and then they go right to the mouth. Not long ago he started using his hands to rub his eyes (well just his left hand), but today I saw him using his right. So this morning is a very exciting day in the Foster household! As for the the last few days, Kannon has been doing a great job. He has been sleeping through the night, and he's been eating very well! The other night he had 16 oz. before he went to sleep...16 oz!!!! That's four Dr. Brown's bottles! Let's just say he RARELY skips a meal, so when he doesn't take his bottle, it is his way of telling us something isn't quite right. He still has difficulty swallowing and usually chokes 2-3 times during a feeding, but we are waiting to hear back from his Pediatrician on when his appointment will be with the GI doctor. Thank you everyone for your sweet comments and prayers for our family. We greatly appreciate it. Hope everyone enjoys their Sunday!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Walking by faith

Finally, I have reached a computer to post on my blog. I have had so many random thoughts that I needed to post, but no way of posting them! Zach, Kannon, and I all took a road trip to Houston, TX. Kannon couldn't have done any better either! On the way down there (7 hrs) he only woke up once, and that was to eat! On the way home it was even better, he slept the entire time! Zach's aunt Marilyn lives in Houston, and I have to say I have NEVER met a more generous, compassionate and loving person. Just watching her with Kannon makes you melt. She is in love with him, and I know she will always be there for him and our family. Kannon has been doing great lately! He is babbling more than ever, and sometimes you can even get him to carry on a conversation with you. He will start off with "Ahh" and I will go "Ooo" and then it ends up in this "Ahh" and "Ooo" frenzy, which ends up always making Zach and I laugh. As for his medication, it doesn't seem to be doing much for the seizures, but it is making him very sleepy. We had to up his dose after him being on it for a week, so we will see if anything changes. As for his diapers, we haven't seen anymore blood, and he is back to the normal diaper. However, the other night when we went and ate at Pappadeux's Seafood, his diaper was so far from normal for any baby his age. As soon as we got seated I got him out of his car seat to hold him (my first mistake). He started to get fussy so I tried feeding him (mistake number two) and he ate the whole bottle. Then, as a leaned him over to burp him I notice something wet. Not just wet, but mushy....(I know this is graphic, but who cares, right?...most of us have probably experienced it, and if you haven't, most of you will at some point). So back to mushy. I look down, and notice it on my hand, all up his back, and even on my sweater. My new white sweater is now a guacamole green. So I am trying to figure out how I am going to get him to the car to change him...and I saw my dinner napkin. So there Zach and I were, wrapping our child in a restaurant dinner napkin. As we were doing this, it reminded me of the Full House episode when Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey wrap Michelle in paper towels and toilet paper. Anyways, Zach offered to take him to the car and change him that way I could keep Marilyn company. About 15 minutes later Zach comes back inside with Kannon. With the look on Zach's face, you would have thought he stole something. He leans over and whispers "I don't know what to do with this." All that was running through my head was "Zach, he's your son, I highly doubt a monster diaper demotes him to a this. Besides that, we are still going to keep him." Then, I realized he wasn't motioning towards Kannon, but my old dinner napkin discretely wrapped up in his hand. Had our waitress not been a good one, you bet my first option would be to leave it as her tip, but she was perfect. Instead, Zach decided he needed to go to the restroom, and when he returned, the napkin had disappeared. So after all that, I would say Kannon's system is working more than fantastic :)

Besides that, it feels so good to be back at home. I know Kannon is thinking the same thing. The week vacation did major damage to his daily eating and napping schedule, and he didn't appreciate it very much! But at the same time it was good for all of us to escape from reality for a little bit. Let me tell you, just the drive to Houston can stir up a lot of emotional thoughts. Seven hours of endless roads with your iPod...and by the time we arrived to Houston I had already thought about everything you could possibly dream of. I thought about my Mom and thinking about what if something happened and I wasn't there. I built up so much fear that I was even temped to make a U-turn and head back north. Had I done this, I would have loved to see the priceless look on Zach's face when I woke him up to tell him we were there...I think the worst part was when I started thinking about Kannon, and when he grows up what things will be like.
I remember when we first found out mom's melanoma had metastasized to her brain. I would (and still do) talk to my sisters about it every now and then. Kendra told me she feared the idea that Taylor (her 3 year old daughter) would grow up and not remember her grandma. It's heartbreaking to even picture that happening considering Taylor and her Jan-ma share a very special bond. Much like all of us girls do with our mom, so it was no surprise that Taylor did the same. Shortly after the news about mom, I found out I was pregnant. One of the first things that crossed my mind was that my mom might not be there to see Kannon grow up and he wouldn't know his grandma...I tried to think of all the "new mom"questions possible to ask my mom for fear that I wouldn't be able to go to her for advice in the future. I am so blessed that God has given her the strength to hang on so that she could prepare me for all the new mom obstacles to come. At the time, the last thing I expected was Kannon to be born with a brain anomaly and a rare genetic disorder. Others will say that nothing can prepare you for news like that, but I know had it not been for her wisdom and encouragement along the way, I wouldn't be handling things as well as I am today. Granted, I do have my breakdowns and frustrating moments, but the most important thing I have is faith. Faith in my myself, faith in my family, and faith in God.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Today is what matters.

Sorry I haven't posted the last couple days. I have finally got a chance to sit down and reflect on everything. Kannon and I went to the pediatrician yesterday. We found blood in his diaper so we had to get in a day earlier than intended. The Dr. said she is going to get us hooked up with a pediatric gastroenterologist to make sure everything is working how it should. And if all of that wasn't bad enough already, he got his 4 month shots too. Poor guy, he had a rough day...Besides all that, he seems to be doing okay though! He is still a happy baby, and loves to smile! While we were in the pediatrician apt. the Dr. began asking me A LOT of developmental questions. Does he smile? Yes, all the time, especially at his car (a wall decal next to his diaper changer). Does he giggle? No, but he gets really close, like he really wants to! Does he coo/babble? Yes, he is getting to where he will do that a lot more. Does he grasp objects? No. Does he roll over? No. Does he hold his head up on his own? No.

Before I had Kannon I thought all of this stuff was VERY important. I guess to a certain extent it is...but there is also a line to be drawn. The last thing I want to do is become obsessed with what Kannon isn't doing. Instead, I am obsessed over all the things that he can do. He can give you the biggest grin ever, he can make a mean diaper, he is the best snuggle bug ever, his startle reflexes are out of this world (he even scares himself sometimes, either by sneezing, coughing, or even an occasional toot), he rarely skips a meal (he loves his bottle), he hardly ever cries, and for the most part he sleeps through the night, and the list can go on forever! I pray everyday that he will get the strength to do all those things as far as sitting up, rolling over, walking, etc. However, I don't focus my attention on when he will do those things....I just love him for who he is right now. Today is what matters.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

He gets it from his Jan-Ma

Every since I can remember, my sisters and I have repeatedly been told that we look, act, or talk just like our mom. For those of you who know our family pretty well, you know we are all pretty close knit. Even more so now that we've all had to deal with some tough times. It is amazing what things like this can to do to a family. It can be one extreme to the next. Everyone can fight and take it out on each other, or everyone can get along and enjoy the time that we are given. Our family naturally stuck with option 2. Before Kannon was born, we were told he had a cyst in his brain. We were also told that when he was born he would have to have an Ultrasound on his head, possibly a CT or an MRI. Well, little did we know, he had to have all 3, some more than once! My mom would always say "He just wants to be like his Jan-Ma!" (JAN+Grandma= Jan-MA). So now that is mom's answer to everything, and I have to admit, it makes me smile every time I hear it. So much of what I see in Kannon, I see in my mom. They have both been through so much, and are two of the strongest people I know. When I went to Kannon's geneticist appointment and got the news that he had Tetrasomy i(5p) Mosaicism---most of what the doctor said after that I inadvertently tuned out. Zach had to work, so my mom came with me. I don't like going to the Dr's appointments alone, so I was happy she was there with Kannon and I. A lot of what happened that day reminded me of when I went with my mom to her Dr's appointment, when she was first told she had skin cancer. Even when I asked questions about Kannon's diagnosis, I don't think the answers were truly sinking in. The Dr. went on to tell us that Kannon would have significant developemental delays, respiratory problems, heart problems and/or defects, seizures, and the list keeps going. I ended up calling the genetic counselor back that day--and again the day after--asking more questions. I'm almost sure I was repeating the questions I had asked when the Dr. talked to us the first time, but this time I was ready to comprehend everything...

Still, almost 2 weeks later, I still don't feel like I understand it all. Then, finally it occurred to me. All these answers I thought I was getting, weren't the answers. They were just suggestions. The worst suggestions. Just like on the commericials when they advertise for a new drug, they have to tell you all these crazy insane side effects that probably happened once, but there is only a chance it could happen again. I have to keep reminding myself that Kannon is one out of four. That leaves the door wide open for anything to happen, and for miracles to be made. The Dr's don't hold the answers. All answers are found from above...and as for Kannon, he is writing his own story. Just like his Jan-Ma.

UPDATE: Kannon started his medication, and so far there hasn't been any changes. He doesn't seem to be "sedated"...he sleeps just as much as before. And there hasn't been any change as far as his seizures go. They are still happeninig. The Dr. said it may take a week or so to see any change. However, Kannon is running a little bit of a temperature today. AND he started using his hands to rub his eyes! Which he had never done before lastnight!! yay :)

Thursday, August 5, 2010

A side order of piggy's please...

Kannon has many special traits that catch the attention of others, but there is one thing in particular that never fails to catch their eye, and that's his toes. It just makes me smile writing about it. They are just so precious. Everyone's first question when Kannon was born was "Does he have ten fingers and ten toes?" I never knew how to answer this question at first. It confused me, I guess. It depends how you look at it, he can have 9 or 11. Zach and I always joke around and say silly things about them. Like for instance, when we are all snuggled up on the couch, under blankets (because our house is never above 70 degrees) we always make sure all his piggy's are tucked in. But every now and then a piggy will poke out, and it is always a race to see who can kiss them first. Sometimes, when I am cooking zach will bring Kannon in the kitchen just so I can give him kisses. Every time Zach does this he will ask me if I need to add some sugar, and he will wave Kannon's little toes in the air as if sweetness magically falls into whatever I am making. Or if we are eating dinner we sometimes say "I will have a side order of piggy's please!" Then, I will always try to race Zach in choosing his left foot, because it has a little extra specialness to it! It always makes for a good laugh or smile :) Anyway, the other day Zach's parents took us out to dinner to eat at Santa Fe. Of course it didn't take long before Grandma and Grandpa had Kannon out of the carseat and into their arms. After a while our food was brought out to the table, so we decided to put Kannon back into his carseat so we could begin eating. About 5 minutes after I leaned over and started talking to Kannon, and was trying to make him smile by tickling his toes. When I did this I noticed I got cheese and sour cream on my hands, and when I looked down, I couldn't help but laugh. Grandpa's baked potato had received a dash of piggy's, and just like that--a sweet potato it became!

Kannon's EEG was today, bright and early! They told us not to let him take his morning nap that way they could watch him sleep during the testing. Well, this was a little difficult to do considering that Kannon has become more lathargic lately. We tried our best though, and to our surprise he stayed awake in the car all the way to the hospital. But by the time we made it to the lobby, got registered and checked in, my little Kannon Ball was out. Once we got called back, they started hooking Kannon up to the machine. They must have stuck 30 or so electrodes on his tiny little head. While the girl was hooking him up she began asking about Kannon's story on why we were there. She commented on how precious he was, and even went on to talk about those cute lil piggy's of his. Sometimes when Kannon sleeps he will give you the biggest grin. They say babies smile when they are sleeping because they have gas, but I choose to believe otherwise. It couldn't have been better timing, that right after the girl mentioned his toes he gave us that big smile.... They monitored him for about 20 min and then turned on the strobe light (they do this 4 times to see if it will alter any activity in the brain). After the test was over we went to Dr.'s office to get results. She told us that the EEG showed him having seizures, but that the seizures hadn't categorized themselves yet (there are many different categories). So if anything, we caught them early. We decided on a treatment medication called Zonisamide, which is given orally (just like baby Tylenol or Mylicon). She warned us that this will sedate him further and possibly cause loss of apetite.

I can't help but think that what if I hadn't googled "infantile seizures". For those of you who don't know, my mom has been battling stage 4 melanoma cancer(for six years, or so, now). She has always reminded me that you have to be your own advocate. She knows better than anyone that you can't just sit back, kick up your heals, and hope everything the doctors tell you is 100% true. Had that been the case in her situation, she wouldn't be still be fighting that battle today. I am just thankful that God gave moms that sixth sense to know something isn't quite going the way that it should. My son can't talk to me, but I know there are some lines of communication there like you wouldn't believe. Kannon is fighting his own battle and doing a fantastic job :) I'm so thankful that God handpicked Zach and I to be Kannon's parents. He is our little blessing (with a side order of piggy's) and there is nothing we would change.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Dark Before the Morning.

It has been almost a year since I found out that I was pregnant with Kannon. A year? Man where does the time go? I still remember telling my husband, Zach, the news...he had the biggest smile EVER. You know, that smile that a kid gets when you tell them "Don't smile!" It was one like that. The funny thing is, I was the one who started to cry. Worried mainly about motherhood. I worried and wondered if I would be a good mom. But looking back I smile at this, because the moment I first held Kannon I knew in an instant what a mother's love truely meant. Everything disappeared and for a moment it was just me, my husband, and our son. Nothing else was on my mind. Everything the doctors had told us didn't matter anymore--it was the unconditional love I had always learned about, but hadn't felt it so strong until right then.

Now, I sit here tonight unable to sleep. Worried of course (something I do best)! I remember my fourth grade teacher would always call me a worry wart, and I hated it. I didn't know it at the time, but she had me figured out. Yesterday we took Kannon to his Nuerologist to have her watch home videos of him having what we think might be seizure-like activity. After watching the videos, she said she thinks he might be having them, but wanted to do an EEG to be sure. His EEG is tomorrow morning, and right after that we will get the results and discuss treatment plans. I can't help but sit here all day and night hoping and praying for everything to be okay...I tried to take my mind off things today by going to Target, getting a snow cone, and then buying a few groceries. But it wasn't until I got back into my car to head home that I heard a song on the radio that helped put my mind at rest. It was a perfect song, and I would be nieve to think it wasn't God himself talking to me and reminding me that he is in control, not the doctors.

Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you, where is He now
Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening to bring a better ending
Someday somehow you’ll see, you’ll see

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends, you know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there, so say a prayer
And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time
But you’ll see the bigger picture

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still got a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
Come on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning