Monday, August 16, 2010

Walking by faith

Finally, I have reached a computer to post on my blog. I have had so many random thoughts that I needed to post, but no way of posting them! Zach, Kannon, and I all took a road trip to Houston, TX. Kannon couldn't have done any better either! On the way down there (7 hrs) he only woke up once, and that was to eat! On the way home it was even better, he slept the entire time! Zach's aunt Marilyn lives in Houston, and I have to say I have NEVER met a more generous, compassionate and loving person. Just watching her with Kannon makes you melt. She is in love with him, and I know she will always be there for him and our family. Kannon has been doing great lately! He is babbling more than ever, and sometimes you can even get him to carry on a conversation with you. He will start off with "Ahh" and I will go "Ooo" and then it ends up in this "Ahh" and "Ooo" frenzy, which ends up always making Zach and I laugh. As for his medication, it doesn't seem to be doing much for the seizures, but it is making him very sleepy. We had to up his dose after him being on it for a week, so we will see if anything changes. As for his diapers, we haven't seen anymore blood, and he is back to the normal diaper. However, the other night when we went and ate at Pappadeux's Seafood, his diaper was so far from normal for any baby his age. As soon as we got seated I got him out of his car seat to hold him (my first mistake). He started to get fussy so I tried feeding him (mistake number two) and he ate the whole bottle. Then, as a leaned him over to burp him I notice something wet. Not just wet, but mushy....(I know this is graphic, but who cares, right?...most of us have probably experienced it, and if you haven't, most of you will at some point). So back to mushy. I look down, and notice it on my hand, all up his back, and even on my sweater. My new white sweater is now a guacamole green. So I am trying to figure out how I am going to get him to the car to change him...and I saw my dinner napkin. So there Zach and I were, wrapping our child in a restaurant dinner napkin. As we were doing this, it reminded me of the Full House episode when Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey wrap Michelle in paper towels and toilet paper. Anyways, Zach offered to take him to the car and change him that way I could keep Marilyn company. About 15 minutes later Zach comes back inside with Kannon. With the look on Zach's face, you would have thought he stole something. He leans over and whispers "I don't know what to do with this." All that was running through my head was "Zach, he's your son, I highly doubt a monster diaper demotes him to a this. Besides that, we are still going to keep him." Then, I realized he wasn't motioning towards Kannon, but my old dinner napkin discretely wrapped up in his hand. Had our waitress not been a good one, you bet my first option would be to leave it as her tip, but she was perfect. Instead, Zach decided he needed to go to the restroom, and when he returned, the napkin had disappeared. So after all that, I would say Kannon's system is working more than fantastic :)

Besides that, it feels so good to be back at home. I know Kannon is thinking the same thing. The week vacation did major damage to his daily eating and napping schedule, and he didn't appreciate it very much! But at the same time it was good for all of us to escape from reality for a little bit. Let me tell you, just the drive to Houston can stir up a lot of emotional thoughts. Seven hours of endless roads with your iPod...and by the time we arrived to Houston I had already thought about everything you could possibly dream of. I thought about my Mom and thinking about what if something happened and I wasn't there. I built up so much fear that I was even temped to make a U-turn and head back north. Had I done this, I would have loved to see the priceless look on Zach's face when I woke him up to tell him we were there...I think the worst part was when I started thinking about Kannon, and when he grows up what things will be like.
I remember when we first found out mom's melanoma had metastasized to her brain. I would (and still do) talk to my sisters about it every now and then. Kendra told me she feared the idea that Taylor (her 3 year old daughter) would grow up and not remember her grandma. It's heartbreaking to even picture that happening considering Taylor and her Jan-ma share a very special bond. Much like all of us girls do with our mom, so it was no surprise that Taylor did the same. Shortly after the news about mom, I found out I was pregnant. One of the first things that crossed my mind was that my mom might not be there to see Kannon grow up and he wouldn't know his grandma...I tried to think of all the "new mom"questions possible to ask my mom for fear that I wouldn't be able to go to her for advice in the future. I am so blessed that God has given her the strength to hang on so that she could prepare me for all the new mom obstacles to come. At the time, the last thing I expected was Kannon to be born with a brain anomaly and a rare genetic disorder. Others will say that nothing can prepare you for news like that, but I know had it not been for her wisdom and encouragement along the way, I wouldn't be handling things as well as I am today. Granted, I do have my breakdowns and frustrating moments, but the most important thing I have is faith. Faith in my myself, faith in my family, and faith in God.


  1. They really need a "like" button on blogger.

  2. Samantha DickersonAugust 18, 2010 at 7:57 AM

    Kelli, this was absolutely beautiful! You are so good at putting your fillings down on paper.. Or on the computer screen! :) I love you and still think about you and your family EVERY single day. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and your sisters dealing with all that has been going on. I can not imagine the thought of my Mom being sick, and Mayci or Mallie not knowing her or get to meet her. I love you guys and admire all that you guys have overcome. I hope that if something were to ever happen to me I could be as strong as you all have been throughout all of the obstacles life has put in your path!!!

  3. Samantha DickersonAugust 18, 2010 at 7:57 AM

    O and by "fillings" I mean FEELINGS!!!!

  4. what a fabulous mother you are. and you are a fabulous reflection of jan for kannon to remember her. thank you for sharing these parts of your life with us. i just continue to pray for you and the entire family. jen felan