No matter how many times I tell myself it will be okay, something inside tells me it won't.
No matter how much I prepare for this not to hurt, I know I will still feel the pain.
No matter how many times I put a smile on my face, my heart is still frowning.
No matter how many times I pray for answers, in the end I still have more questions.
And no matter how many times I cry at night, my bucket of tears is still full.
I don't talk much about my mom on here for two reasons. One--It is hard for me to. Two-- I know she likes reading my blog, so I don't want to make her upset. However, today that is what I am going to talk about. I need to get it off my chest. This is my diary, and it is the only way I can release all the feelings that I keep bottled up. To get right down to it...I don't know how I am going to live without my mom. She's not just my mom, she is my best friend, the one I can run to, the one I laugh with, the one I shop with, the one who stands up for me, the one who wipes my tears, the one I share my secrets with, the one who fought for me, the one I text throughout the day, the one who played with my hair, the one who told me to suck it up, and the one who taught me everything I know. She was there for me when I was in Elementary, and stood up for me when parents would manipulate their way around the system to pick on me and another one of my friends. She was there for me at EVERY softball game...even the one where I missed 5 ground balls in a row, and struck out 3 or maybe 4 times...but she was still there cheering me on. She was there at every award, every homecoming, every banquet, and every birthday. She was there to take me to the ER when I busted my head open. She was there when I signed to play softball at Rose. She was the first one I called and told I was pregnant. She was at every ultrasound. She was there when they admitted me in the ER to give birth. She waited until Zach got there so I wasn't alone. She cancelled her brain "Gamma Ray" treatment so she could be there when Kannon was born. When I was discharged from the hospital, she was the one who drove me back and forth to Mercy to see Kannon in the NICU everyday. She was there when Doctors told me every diagnosis on Kannon. She was there when I did bad on a test, or when I did good on a test. She made notecards with me, and quizzed me on every vocabulary word. She was there to compliment me, to guide me, to mold me, and to discipline me. She was there to surprise me with ice cream, or a sonic drink when I was having a rough day. She was there to write me little notes to make me smile. She was there to take me grocery shopping when we couldn't afford it. When I forgot my cleats, or my uniform, or even my entire ball bag, or my homework, she was there to run back home and bring them to me. She was there when I was sick. She was there to make birthday cakes, wedding cupcakes, or to take all my pictures. She was there through it ALL....and after 22 years I am going to have to learn to live without her....and so will my sisters, and my dad. Mom was there for us all. When I mention all of these things, I am sure I speak for all of us and all of their memories they cherish too. It isn't easy watching our mom slowly slip away, but by looking at us on the outside, it might appear that way. That's how bulletproof mom taught us all to be...now the roles are opposite. We are the ones making dinner, cleaning the house, going grocery shopping, and driving her where she needs or wants to go. We are the ones bringing her ice cream, flowers, or a 7-11 icee. We initiate the family time, family pictures, or family dinner out at Ted's. We are the ones searching to find every possible way to make her comfortable, telling her what day it is, and regulating her pain medication. We are the ones making birthday cakes, scheduling the best 50th birthday party ever, and doing all that we can to see her smile and to hear her laugh. We are the ones staying by her side when she starts getting sick, or helps her to her feet when she has taken a hard fall. We are the ones bringing over movies, painting her toenails, and massaging her back. We are the ones making her homemade blankets, t-shirts, candles, and soaps. We are the ones taking her on rides around the lake, taking her to the zoo in the wheelchair, and spending our last vacation with her on a cruise. We are the ones cheering her up when she feels down, making encouraging cards to keep her strong, and wiping away her tears when she is sad....and all of this time, without even noticing, we have all been the ones who mom taught us to be. I will admit it is hard to keep a straight face and act like everything is fine, when it really isn't. I do it enough to make it through the day, but when everything settles down, and I finally crawl under the covers, it's hard not to just crumble. I have a habit of holding everything inside, until eventually it explodes out of me all at once. I guess that's why it took me so long to write on here about it....but everything I have mentioned above is half of what I hold in. The other half is my family. Kannon (6 months old now!) is still sick and I think we have made four trips to the pediatrician's office, and one to the ER in the last month...He is still on his nebulizer, only now they have added another type of medication for his lower airway. He is on another seizure medication too. This week or next we are having a swallow study on him. This is to check and see his muscle tone in the neck and throat area. We already know he has scoliosis, which the Dr. thinks is contributing to his low muscle tone, which leads to him not being able to lift his head, which gives him a hard time eating/swallowing, WHICH is contributing to him being sick. ((Because Kannon doesn't have much strength to clear his throat or cough whatever it is--out.)) Tomorrow we are supposed to find out when his swallow study is scheduled...Today was Kannon first day at Sensational Kids with his physical therapist. It was actually a pretty cool place and it was neat getting to see her work with him...and yes, I took pictures ;) We finally got some exercises for us to work with him on his muscle tone. Also, when we talked about the swallow study, his PT said they might put him on a NG Tube (feeding tube)...I don't even want to get into talking about that. I just pray we don't have to go there....BUT if we HAD to...I know I would somehow learn to cope with it and make the best of it because.... I got it from my Momma ;)