Sunday, September 12, 2010

Give Me Your Eyes

Give me your eyes for just one second

Give me your eyes so i can see

Everything that i keep missing

Give me your love for humanity

Give me your arms for the broken hearted

The ones that are far beyond my reach?

Give me your heart for the one's forgotten

Give me your eyes so i can see

I am so busy now that school has started back up, daycare started for Kannon, on top of all the Dr's appointments, cleaning house, and all of the other things moms do, that I RARELY find time for myself. However, when I do get that time I usually try to read. Right now I have started a book called House Rules by Jodi Picoult. My sister let me borrow it from her. I'm not even to the middle yet, and I already have my mother-in-law reading it too. It is about a kid with Aspergers Syndrome who is being accused of murder. It is VERY good, and I would recommend it to anyone. It has really helped open my eyes into what's it is like for a family with Aspergers Syndrome. Although there is only ONE who is diagnosed with Aspergers--from what I have read it seems to affect everyone in the family in some way or another, not just that one person. There is a part in the book where Jacob (he is the one with AS) is talking about how he doesn't know why people with AS are so sensitive to things like texture, color, sound, and light, or why they don't look people in the eyes. He goes on to say "when I don't look someone in the eye, and when other people very pointedly look away from me so they don't appear to be staring, I sometimes wonder if I even really exist." This part of the book just broke my heart. I will be the first to admit that every since I was little I have literally trained myself to not look at people who are handicapped for fear they would think that I was starring at them. How was I to know any different? We are all taught not to stare at people,especially those who expect people to do it. I never looked at it the way Jacob put it---but he described me to a T. I felt terrible after reading it, hoping that I had never made someone feel like that they didn't exist. We aren't sure how Kannon's life will pan out, but I would never want that for him. So the only way I can make some sort of a change, was to start with myself. So on Friday night I went to see a movie with some of my friends. We went to see The Switch-- I would recommend that one to anyone too. Anyway, before the movie, we ate at Falcone's and while we were walking we passed a family, and what looked to be the mom pushing her daughter in a stroller. It was pretty obvious that the little girl had some abnormality. And on any other day, when I would probably look away, I did something different. I starred at her, until her eyes caught mine, and I just smiled. Then looked at the family and smiled at them too--then I noticed the dad smile back at me. That's all it took...and this whole time I had purposely been avoiding it. I hope I made that little girl feel like she existed, even if it was for just a short second. Gradually, I have started to notice a difference in how the things going on in my life have changed the person I used to be. I have always loved the song "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath. I feel like that is exactly what God is doing. Giving me "new" eyes so I can see the ones who think they are forgotten.

Finally some good news! Kannon went to his Cardiology appointment to have his heart "defect" checked out. Actually, it isn't really a defect it is more like a normal variant (meaning rare or unusual, but not necessarily abnormal). Anyway, they did an EKG and an echocardiogram. Turns out the Dr. ruled it out, and said everything looks great and that he just has a small heart murmur. He told us to come back when he turns two! Yay for Kannon :) This week we have NO DR. APPOINTMENTS....NONE! That is a first in a long time! We are still filling specimen cups. I am SO over doing that. We are on the last two cups, so we are getting closer! I got to talk to the neurologist too about doing the second MRI to rule out the arachnoid cyst--and she said that since there wasn't hydrocephalus, then there wasn't a need for her to do an MRI this soon. She said we will wait and do one at 12 months if Kannon is still having his seizures/infantile spasms. She also said that waiting to do an MRI at 12 months will allow them to see a "more mature brain" so it is all a waiting game right now.

The Special Mother

by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit.

This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia."

"Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew."

Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has her own world. She has to make her live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect - she has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps - "selfishness? is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'". She will never consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and will know it!"

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice....and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side".

"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."

I am headed to bed, thanks for all the prayers, and have a fabulous week :)


  1. Kelli you are an amazing person and just an outstanding mother. I love reading your posts, mainly to keep up with how little Kannon is doing but also to hear how you are doing as well. You have really opened my eyes with your posts and everything that you and Zac are going through. You are an amazing family and I'm blessed to be able to call the two of you friends. All our prayers are with you two and little Kannon. Can't wait to see you Saturday :)
    Love Christa

  2. you are a great mom and Zach is an awesome dad! We love you so much!! Taylor was dreaming about Kannon last night...she started crying and said "But Im not done playing with Kannon yet!!!" I just laid there and patted her on her back lol she had no idea she was even talking to me!! We all think about you guys daily and even in our dreams.. love you! PS- I didnt know you went to the movies!!!! Kendra

  3. YAY for Kannon! No apts for a week yay! and I am so happy to hear that you dont have to see his cardiologist until he is 2 that is good news!

  4. I stumbled across your blog and wanted to post a quick comment - I too have a child with Partial Agenesis Corpus Collosum and a Chromosomal Duplication of 8(p) - also very few in this world with this duplication. We just recently have discovered what is going on with our son. To give you encouragement I wanted to share a few precious things about my son that people said he could never do. 1. He can walk (run too) - although this didnt happen until he was nearly 4 years old - IT HAPPENED. 2) He can talk. This again didnt happen until about 4 years old - but he can talk, although stumbles for many words he does it. 3) He is genuinely HAPPY. I have never met a happier more sincere child. Although he doesnt understand peoples feelings he knows what happy is and right now that is all I need.
    You have an absolutely beautiful son and your son has been a gift to you from a higher power. I am not the birth mother of my son but I am MOMMY.
    Blessings and extra prayers to your family.
    The Gosen Family - Minnesota