The Best Christmas Present

It is time! Time for hot chocolate with lots of marshmellows, cuddling under a blanket, reading a good book, watching movies, lots of shopping for others (and yourself too), christmas music, the wrapping of many presents, holiday cooking, laughter with family, a glass of wine with friends, great church services, people raising their hand to the Lord, asking for forgiveness, asking for His love, and spreading the cheer of one of the greatest and most respected holidays of the year---CHRISTMAS! Along with that comes remembrance...Of the mistakes we've made, of the lessons we've learned, of the loved ones we've lost, of the new lives created, and the hurdles we've all jumped. As this year comes to an end, all I can think about is WOW, WHAT A YEAR. It is a year that I will love and hate all at the same time. It is easy to look at the negative side of things, but for the last 12 months I have gradually taught myself to always try and see the positive. I have learned so much being a new wife and a new mom. I have a wonderful husband. He makes me laugh all the time, especially in those time where all I wanted to do was cry. He has always supported me in everything, and he has taught me so much in just the last year. Then, there is our son. Who we think (and we get this from many others too) is the absolute most precious thing we have ever seen. Kannon-Ball has melted hearts everywhere from Oklahoma, to Columbia, South Africa. He is our joy, our hope, and our figher. He has taught us both how to become better, and stronger, people. He is our blessing from above and we wouldn't change a SINGLE thing about our little baby boy...Now, as Christmas is over and we work towards a new year, I can't help but think about my mom. It was hard celebrating Thanksgiving & Christmas & soon to be year 2011, without her physically here with us anymore. It all feels so different, but we are gradually learning how to do everything the way Mom always did it. We celebrated our Thanksgiving by making all of mom's usual Thanksgiving recipes, and catered her favorite (Ted's Mexican food) for Christmas dinner. We even put up her christmas tree without her & my sister helped our dad pick out and wrap the gifts. But there was one surprise on christmas morning, one unexpected gift that was by far our favorite, and most cherished gift ever. A necklace from our dad, that he picked out, and then spent hours making them perfect. This wasn't just any necklace...it was a necklace made so we can all carry mom with us anywhere and everywhere we go...a cremation necklace. Beautifully made with angel wings, just like our mom. It by far beats any gift I have ever received on Christmas day. As we approach the new year, we all know that she will be there watching over us and helping us through the tough times to come. So that being said, I am ready for a new year. I haven't come up with my resolution yet, but I am thinking about it. As for an update on how things are going with Kannon, he is doing great! This last month he has had to go to the hospital twice. Once because he was sick and another because his seizure medication was too high of a dose for him (that was scary, but everything worked out okay). He has had his orthopedic CT scan and no abnormalities were seen as far has his spine goes, except for the scoliosis. He has an MRI scheduled on his brain (now that his brain has matured a little) and his lower back (spinal cord) at the end of January. As far as the follow up on his failed tympanogram (hearing test), he had an ear infection but that has finally cleared up. He also had another swallow study to see how he did eating thicker foods, and they say that he can start being introduced to baby food (Yay!) However, they did watch him drinking thinner liquid again, and he still has to eat on his side because he aspirates sitting up. The speech pathologist said it is like a night and day difference watching him on his side compared to sitting upright....so we are working on possibly having an OT specialist to work with him on swallowing. As for the sleep study, we have finally gotten it finished, but haven't received the results yet. Finally, his neurologist thinks Kannon might be having myoclonic seizures (not infantile spasm seizures anymore). To officially diagnose this, she has ordered a 48 hours EEG test to be done in the near future. However, the closest places that will do the test for a baby younger than 18 months is in Tulsa, and if they can't schedule us, then the next closest is in Cooks, Texas (not a yay!) I think that is all the updates so far! We hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas break and will have a great New Year! We do want to send out a heartfelt thank you to EVERYONE who has ever been there to support us through all the hills and valleys that we have encountered this year. We couldn't have made it through it without all the love, encouragement, and the many prayers. We love you all so much, and are extremely blessed to have so many people follow the updates and stories about our family. Have a great break and enjoy this important time with your family and friends! God Bless everyone! :)

Our angel got her wings...

My mom lost her battle to cancer on November 7, 2010. Everything feels so different without her around anymore. Everything is a blur. Time feels like it has gone too fast and too slow at the same time. I can't believe 2 weeks have gone by already....but then again I think "wow, it's only been two weeks." I know that it's best. Mom isn't suffering and she isn't in anymore pain. In our hearts we know that she is soaring somewhere above the horizon, and is watching over us. I think about all the times, the memories, and especially the last day. The moment I wake up, I think to call her to see how she is, but I remind myself...and then picture the last day we spent with her. I think it will be one of my favorites. I won't ever forget it. Mom got to see all of us girls and even all the grandkids. She was smiling, laughing, and telling us all stories. You never would have guessed that in less than 24 hours, she wouldn't be able to do that anymore. She got to kiss us all goodbye, and I still have the image in my mind of little Taylor (my 3 year old niece) kissing and hugging her Jan-ma before she left. It was a precious day. Beautiful in every aspect. We had nice weather that day. Mom was feeling good, so we were all feeling great too. I remember sitting in the kitchen talking with my sister. Mom was in the living room and it didn't take long for her to tell us to move in there by her to talk. A strong part of me thinks she knew her time was coming. And up until the very end, I know she could hear us all kiss and tell her goodbye. Kendra told her "We will be okay, Mom."

and with that came two tears....and just a few minutes after...she was gone...

I still can't believe it. And I am sure I will be saying that for a very long time. Although she isn't here, she is still on our minds constantly. Everything we do, it is always "Mom loved this blanket, these cupcakes, this song, this movie, or this restaurant." I can't make it through the day without feeling like I need to call or text her. Just to say "Hi, my dear" or to see how she is doing....It's difficult accepting the fact that she isn't here anymore. We miss her.

I'm thankful for the fact that she is with Jesus now. No more suffering, no more pain, and no more medications. Just wings. Her big beautiful white (and maybe a little pink and black intertwined with Swarovski crystals) wings....You know cancer is an ugly disease, but my mom made it beautiful. After reading basic facts about cancer on the cancer.org website, I found that 3,030 females are expected to die in the US from melanoma (skin cancer) in 2010. That's not that much considering that 1 and 4 people will get cancer in the US. Well mom was one of those 3,030, but most of you probably don't know that in the beginning she was misdiagnosed. Frustrating, I know... I don't know why things like this happen, or why my mom had to be one of the 3,030. But what I do know is that everything happens for a reason, and God doesn't give you something that He knows you can't handle. Mom was tough, and I can honestly say that she didn't let cancer get the best of her. She fought all the way until the end---and she may have lost this particular battle, but she won the war. She was given a gruesome prognosis, time and time again, and every time she surpassed it. Although it's hard not having her physically here with us anymore, I believe she was finally given her reward in Heaven. God prepares His home for us...and mom's spot just so happened to be finished before anyone else. The separation though feels unbearable, and each day is a struggle right now...but our family is sticking to together, and trying to stay strong. Because deep down we know that someday, when our spot in Heaven is ready, we will be flying right there beside her, and it gives me hope that I will one day see her again...

Lots of updates!

OCT 7th--Kannon was admitted into Children's Hospital because he was getting too sick & he needed specific tests run. He was discharged late afternoon the next day. He had a swallow study done to see what the choking during feedings was all about. Basically they only saw that Kannon lets his formula trickle all the way down his throat, and by the time he notices he needs to swallow, he is already beginning to choke. If it was something serious and that continued, they would have put him on a feeding tube...BUT we have finally found a simple solution, and it has made a world of difference! He has to eat on his side semi-elevated, and his formula has to be cold.

OCT 19th morning(ish)--Kannon had his hearing test. He failed the tympanogram in both ears--so he has to go see the ENT doctor to make sure nothing is wrong. She said it could be clogged fluid in his ears due to him being so congested. We have the ENT apt next thursday.

OCT 12th and 19th afternoon--The Physical Therapist with Sooner Start came to our house to work with Kannon on his development & he is doing great! He held up his head for about 5 seconds on his own!

OCT 14th--Zach and I celebrated our 1st Anniversary!! We ate our top piece of the wedding cake, and surprisingly it was pretty yummy!

OCT 17th--I turned 23!! I got my own sewing machine---That right! I can sew ;)

OCT 20th--Kannon had his Orthopedic apt. FINALLY! We were there for about 3 hrs. Long story short, they did an x-ray on his entire spine...when the Dr. saw that x-ray (and the other ones from previously) he determined that he wants Kannon to have a CT scan on his entire spine. He explained that he wanted to visualize what kind of scoliosis it is (there is neuromuscular scoliosis, congenital scoliosis, idiopathic scoliosis, etc.) and he was unable to tell on the x-ray because his spine is still mostly cartilage & what he could visualize was covered up by gas (lol I could have told him that!) Depending on what kind of scoliosis Kannon is diagnosed with will determine whether or not they do and MRI on the spine next.

Today OCT 22nd--We are enjoying our Fall Break! Dinner with my entire family tonight @ Cheesecake Factory. I entered Kannon in a GapKids Denim Jeans Contest---I will let you know the link, so you ALL can go vote for him!! You get to vote everyday--so please do!

*COMING UP*

Follow up Pediatrician apt. to discuss the tests they ran in the hospital

Kannon will be getting his 6 month shots!

CT scan & follow up Orthopedic Apt to be scheduled soon

ENT apt. to discuss failed tympanogram in both ears.

Have a *SPECTACULAR* day!!

Bulletproof

No matter how many times I tell myself it will be okay, something inside tells me it won't.

No matter how much I prepare for this not to hurt, I know I will still feel the pain.

No matter how many times I put a smile on my face, my heart is still frowning.

No matter how many times I pray for answers, in the end I still have more questions.

And no matter how many times I cry at night, my bucket of tears is still full.

I don't talk much about my mom on here for two reasons. One--It is hard for me to. Two-- I know she likes reading my blog, so I don't want to make her upset. However, today that is what I am going to talk about. I need to get it off my chest. This is my diary, and it is the only way I can release all the feelings that I keep bottled up. To get right down to it...I don't know how I am going to live without my mom. She's not just my mom, she is my best friend, the one I can run to, the one I laugh with, the one I shop with, the one who stands up for me, the one who wipes my tears, the one I share my secrets with, the one who fought for me, the one I text throughout the day, the one who played with my hair, the one who told me to suck it up, and the one who taught me everything I know. She was there for me when I was in Elementary, and stood up for me when parents would manipulate their way around the system to pick on me and another one of my friends. She was there for me at EVERY softball game...even the one where I missed 5 ground balls in a row, and struck out 3 or maybe 4 times...but she was still there cheering me on. She was there at every award, every homecoming, every banquet, and every birthday. She was there to take me to the ER when I busted my head open. She was there when I signed to play softball at Rose. She was the first one I called and told I was pregnant. She was at every ultrasound. She was there when they admitted me in the ER to give birth. She waited until Zach got there so I wasn't alone. She cancelled her brain "Gamma Ray" treatment so she could be there when Kannon was born. When I was discharged from the hospital, she was the one who drove me back and forth to Mercy to see Kannon in the NICU everyday. She was there when Doctors told me every diagnosis on Kannon. She was there when I did bad on a test, or when I did good on a test. She made notecards with me, and quizzed me on every vocabulary word. She was there to compliment me, to guide me, to mold me, and to discipline me. She was there to surprise me with ice cream, or a sonic drink when I was having a rough day. She was there to write me little notes to make me smile. She was there to take me grocery shopping when we couldn't afford it. When I forgot my cleats, or my uniform, or even my entire ball bag, or my homework, she was there to run back home and bring them to me. She was there when I was sick. She was there to make birthday cakes, wedding cupcakes, or to take all my pictures. She was there through it ALL....and after 22 years I am going to have to learn to live without her....and so will my sisters, and my dad. Mom was there for us all. When I mention all of these things, I am sure I speak for all of us and all of their memories they cherish too. It isn't easy watching our mom slowly slip away, but by looking at us on the outside, it might appear that way. That's how bulletproof mom taught us all to be...now the roles are opposite. We are the ones making dinner, cleaning the house, going grocery shopping, and driving her where she needs or wants to go. We are the ones bringing her ice cream, flowers, or a 7-11 icee. We initiate the family time, family pictures, or family dinner out at Ted's. We are the ones searching to find every possible way to make her comfortable, telling her what day it is, and regulating her pain medication. We are the ones making birthday cakes, scheduling the best 50th birthday party ever, and doing all that we can to see her smile and to hear her laugh. We are the ones staying by her side when she starts getting sick, or helps her to her feet when she has taken a hard fall. We are the ones bringing over movies, painting her toenails, and massaging her back. We are the ones making her homemade blankets, t-shirts, candles, and soaps. We are the ones taking her on rides around the lake, taking her to the zoo in the wheelchair, and spending our last vacation with her on a cruise. We are the ones cheering her up when she feels down, making encouraging cards to keep her strong, and wiping away her tears when she is sad....and all of this time, without even noticing, we have all been the ones who mom taught us to be. I will admit it is hard to keep a straight face and act like everything is fine, when it really isn't. I do it enough to make it through the day, but when everything settles down, and I finally crawl under the covers, it's hard not to just crumble. I have a habit of holding everything inside, until eventually it explodes out of me all at once. I guess that's why it took me so long to write on here about it....but everything I have mentioned above is half of what I hold in. The other half is my family. Kannon (6 months old now!) is still sick and I think we have made four trips to the pediatrician's office, and one to the ER in the last month...He is still on his nebulizer, only now they have added another type of medication for his lower airway. He is on another seizure medication too. This week or next we are having a swallow study on him. This is to check and see his muscle tone in the neck and throat area. We already know he has scoliosis, which the Dr. thinks is contributing to his low muscle tone, which leads to him not being able to lift his head, which gives him a hard time eating/swallowing, WHICH is contributing to him being sick. ((Because Kannon doesn't have much strength to clear his throat or cough whatever it is--out.)) Tomorrow we are supposed to find out when his swallow study is scheduled...Today was Kannon first day at Sensational Kids with his physical therapist. It was actually a pretty cool place and it was neat getting to see her work with him...and yes, I took pictures ;) We finally got some exercises for us to work with him on his muscle tone. Also, when we talked about the swallow study, his PT said they might put him on a NG Tube (feeding tube)...I don't even want to get into talking about that. I just pray we don't have to go there....BUT if we HAD to...I know I would somehow learn to cope with it and make the best of it because.... I got it from my Momma ;)

A trip to the ER

Over the last week I have learned a few things.

1) Finding time to study for class makes life a tiny bit easier.

2) There is a dollar jewelry store down the street from me--and lately I have been in need of some retail therapy.

3) It is a wonderful feeling when I know that my son knows who I am, and that only I can comfort him.

4) Smores over the stove, or over the fire pit taste just the same--except I don't get tackled by my 70 lb. golden retriever when I make them over the stove.

5) And NOTHING. And I mean NOTHING is worse than having to stay up all night listening to my little one struggle to breathe.

Let me start from the beginning. For about the last week Kannon has been having a runny nose, sneezing, etc. Then, on Saturday night (or early Sunday morning) Zach and I both woke up to Kannon coughing. For the next 24 hours all the symptoms began to worsen. We ended up taking him to the ER on Sunday night. The wait wasn't all that bad, especially for being at Children's Hospital ER at night. While we were waiting I told Zach that they would probably do a Chest x-ray on him to rule out any fluid in the lungs. I guess all of that schooling paid off, because I actually felt like I was a little ahead of the game, and I didn't feel at all lost. When the Dr. came in he began asking about Kannon's medical history. I told him about the p-ACC (the brain abnormality), the seizures, and the Tetrasomy i(5p) Mosaicism. After I mentioned that last one to him I paused and asked,

"Are you familiar with that?"

"Yeah" he said.

Even though he said yes, a part of me was thinking, whatever dude. You have no idea what I am talking about, and I can tell in your voice. After he was finished asking his questions, he left the room...and it was about 15 minutes later when he returned.

"Umm...Was your son diagnosed with tetrasomy?"

"Yes."

"Who is his Dr.?"

"Dr. Wierenga. He is a geneticist here."

"What did he tell you this meant?"

"Well it is a rare genetic disorder...and..."

Then he cut me off to tell me this.

"Yeah we actually googled it and couldn't find much information on it."

Really people? Am I on punked? Candid Camera? Did you really just tell me earlier you knew what I was talking about then left the room to go google it?....So, already the night isn't going that great. My son is sick, my doctor uses google (which made me wonder how many other doctors do this...not very reassuring is it?), and the night is just beginning.

The first thing the Dr. decided doing was exactly what I had imagined. I had just got through telling Zach that when they do the chest x-ray that they better shield him (with some form of lead to protect him from unnecessary radiation). All radiographers should do it, and most of the time they don't and the only true reason behind it is because THEY ARE BEING LAZY. Anyway, when I took Kannon back, we got him all set up and positioned and you will never guess what they didn't do....shield!!! So me being the "student" asks,

"Aren't you going to shield him?" and this is what the tech (who graduated in like the 1900's) told me

"Oh it doesn't really matter because we aren't giving him that much radiation to really even matter."

OOOOOHHHH....my blood was boiling!! First of all, for anyone out there who thinks a small amount of radiation does no harm, you are VERY wrong. Second of all, a child should always be shielded. Third of all, it is obvious that a person of Kannon's status will more than likely undergo more than just one radiology procedure done in his lifetime. Fourth of all, (I could go on forever on this subject) it is part of our rights that if I ask for him to be shield, then just shut up and do it. Don't give me a lame excuse about it not being enough to matter, when in all actuality it was your laziness that got in the way.

Sorry, my venting is finished.

Kannon cried the whole time they took the x-rays (a chest x ray usually consist of 2 different images). When the first one was over we started positioning him for the second. As we were doing this my eye caught the computer behind the counter, and on it was the results from the first x-ray. From about 10-15 ft away I immediately noticed that he indeed has scoliosis. For a second my heart just sank. Even though a big part of me already suspected it, there was still that tiny ray of hope that we would be told otherwise. I hurt for Kannon. It is hard watching my son constantly being put through diagnosis, after diagnosis, after diagnosis....and it never becomes any easier. Anyways, Dr. Google said that Kannon is just really congested. He also said that there wasn't any fluid in the lungs, and that the Chest x-ray looked okay in that aspect. When I asked about the scoliosis Dr. Google said that it was the first thing he noticed when he saw the Chest x-ray, and that it seemed to be pretty severe. He also mentioned that we needed to take Kannon to see his pediatrician for a follow up on Monday morning. In the back of my mind I could picture him sitting behind his computer googling SCOLIOSIS, then reading about it on www.wrongdiagnosis.com, and how if you suspect that you might have this, then contact your primary care physician. So this, we did.

After another long night of no sleep, and praying that Kannon could make it through the night without going back to the ER....Monday morning had finally arrived. Once the clock hit 8am I called the pediatrician and they fit him in the schedule at 10:45. Once we got there it was pretty obvious to the Dr. that Kannon wasn't just having "normal congestion". Just from reading the report from the night at the ER, Kannon's pediatrician had already decided on her own that the Dr. that helped us that night wasn't exactly the brightest one out there. She especially thought this after I told her the Google story.

I told her about the Chest X-ray, the shielding, the scoliosis, and everything else that I could recall from the night before. She decided on doing another Chest X-ray in her building because for some reason due to Dr. Google she couldn't attain the previous one. Long story short, she said Kannon has severe scoliosis and called me in her office to come look at the image. She also said she will try to get us in the Orthopedic Dr. sooner. She diagnosed Kannon with infectious bronchitis, and prescribed a medication used to treat whooping cough for precautionary reasons. She also wrote a prescription for a breathing machine, so he could have breathing treatments every 4 hours. Then told me that anytime Kannon has a cold, or sinus problem, that she can already tell that he is going to need the help from a breathing machine. Due to his low muscle tone, it is hard for him to cough out the stuff that he needs to, so he will have to be on a nebulizer for who knows how long....So between VapoRub, the Vicks humidifier, the nasal spray, the breathing machine/nebulizer, infant tylenol for the aches and headaches, the whooping cough medicine, and the nasal aspirator/bulb suction---eventually he will feel better and be able to breathe like normal again. Until then, we need your prayers! So far he is doing a little better :) PS He had his eye appointment today, and Dr. said everything thing looks great :) It is always nice when we get to hear some good news!

Give Me Your Eyes

Give me your eyes for just one second

Give me your eyes so i can see

Everything that i keep missing

Give me your love for humanity

Give me your arms for the broken hearted

The ones that are far beyond my reach?

Give me your heart for the one's forgotten

Give me your eyes so i can see

I am so busy now that school has started back up, daycare started for Kannon, on top of all the Dr's appointments, cleaning house, and all of the other things moms do, that I RARELY find time for myself. However, when I do get that time I usually try to read. Right now I have started a book called House Rules by Jodi Picoult. My sister let me borrow it from her. I'm not even to the middle yet, and I already have my mother-in-law reading it too. It is about a kid with Aspergers Syndrome who is being accused of murder. It is VERY good, and I would recommend it to anyone. It has really helped open my eyes into what's it is like for a family with Aspergers Syndrome. Although there is only ONE who is diagnosed with Aspergers--from what I have read it seems to affect everyone in the family in some way or another, not just that one person. There is a part in the book where Jacob (he is the one with AS) is talking about how he doesn't know why people with AS are so sensitive to things like texture, color, sound, and light, or why they don't look people in the eyes. He goes on to say "when I don't look someone in the eye, and when other people very pointedly look away from me so they don't appear to be staring, I sometimes wonder if I even really exist." This part of the book just broke my heart. I will be the first to admit that every since I was little I have literally trained myself to not look at people who are handicapped for fear they would think that I was starring at them. How was I to know any different? We are all taught not to stare at people,especially those who expect people to do it. I never looked at it the way Jacob put it---but he described me to a T. I felt terrible after reading it, hoping that I had never made someone feel like that they didn't exist. We aren't sure how Kannon's life will pan out, but I would never want that for him. So the only way I can make some sort of a change, was to start with myself. So on Friday night I went to see a movie with some of my friends. We went to see The Switch-- I would recommend that one to anyone too. Anyway, before the movie, we ate at Falcone's and while we were walking we passed a family, and what looked to be the mom pushing her daughter in a stroller. It was pretty obvious that the little girl had some abnormality. And on any other day, when I would probably look away, I did something different. I starred at her, until her eyes caught mine, and I just smiled. Then looked at the family and smiled at them too--then I noticed the dad smile back at me. That's all it took...and this whole time I had purposely been avoiding it. I hope I made that little girl feel like she existed, even if it was for just a short second. Gradually, I have started to notice a difference in how the things going on in my life have changed the person I used to be. I have always loved the song "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath. I feel like that is exactly what God is doing. Giving me "new" eyes so I can see the ones who think they are forgotten.

Finally some good news! Kannon went to his Cardiology appointment to have his heart "defect" checked out. Actually, it isn't really a defect it is more like a normal variant (meaning rare or unusual, but not necessarily abnormal). Anyway, they did an EKG and an echocardiogram. Turns out the Dr. ruled it out, and said everything looks great and that he just has a small heart murmur. He told us to come back when he turns two! Yay for Kannon :) This week we have NO DR. APPOINTMENTS....NONE! That is a first in a long time! We are still filling specimen cups. I am SO over doing that. We are on the last two cups, so we are getting closer! I got to talk to the neurologist too about doing the second MRI to rule out the arachnoid cyst--and she said that since there wasn't hydrocephalus, then there wasn't a need for her to do an MRI this soon. She said we will wait and do one at 12 months if Kannon is still having his seizures/infantile spasms. She also said that waiting to do an MRI at 12 months will allow them to see a "more mature brain" so it is all a waiting game right now.

The Special Mother

by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit.

This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia."

"Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew."

Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has her own world. She has to make her live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect - she has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps - "selfishness? is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'". She will never consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and will know it!"

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice....and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side".

"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."

I am headed to bed, thanks for all the prayers, and have a fabulous week :)

He's a big boy now!

As of September 1st Kannon is 5 months old! We are so excited for him and all of the progress he has made in just the past few months! The last few days have been busy for him too! He had his first lake trip this weekend. Some of our good friends offered to let us stay with them for a couple days, and it couldn't have been ANY better. Talk about some good quality time away from the real world. We got to fish, eat, fish again, and eat even more---good ole' southern food too! We had a big meal on Sunday. The neighborhood got together and everyone pitched in and bought varieties of meat to smoke in this HUGE smoker they got from the fire department. It was filled with numerous racks of ribs, chicken, pork chops, etc. Then there were tables and tables of different side dishes and desserts. I couldn't get a big enough plate to fit everything on...and I honestly believe I had the BEST banana pudding ever created! Of course, sweet tea was included. Do we even have to go there? Kannon hung out in the house, doing his favorite thing--swinging. We got back early on Monday because today was going to be a big day for all of us. I had a test in Radiation Biology (yuck), Zach started his first day at his new job, and Kannon started his first day of daycare! We got him all packed up the night before, had a bath, and snuggled at bed time. I was just trying to get all the lovin's I could before he went! When this morning came, everything went well. We got everything in the car, and out the door we went! Zach didn't have to be at work until 11:00 am, so he came to see Kannon's first day too. When we got there we took pictures of every step. They probably think I am some obsessive compulsive mom, but who cares! I probably am :0 Anyway, we took turns taking pictures in front of the sign and going through the doors. I was too scared to ask someone else to take the pictures, because they probably would have thought I was kidding, and then laughed at me when I told them I was serious! We walked in, and signed his name in on the pad (yes, that required a picture too)! He was the first one there, so Kannon was making a good impression already! The lady in charge of the infant room is Mrs. Kelly and as soon as we got there she made us feel at home. Everything was fantastic! Until it came time to go. I was proud of myself for waiting until I got out of the infant room to start crying, but waiting until I was completely out of the building (10 more steps) was out of the question. Anyway, Zach hugged me and held my hand and let me know everything would be okay. He was much stronger than me. When we got in the car he even made the effort to plug my iPod in and play my favorite song as we drove off. Then, it wasn't 3 hours later I went to pick him up. It was good for me that we got out of class early after the test, that way it was a only a short time for him at daycare. I think it helped break us both into it. Anyway, we still have a lot to do today---like go to the zoo! Have a fantastic Tuesday, like we are!